November 17, 2008

I was brought up a devout Catholic, and well exposed to the concepts of inner guilt, even over things where one had no control.  I used to worry that everything that went wrong in my life was a punishment for telling a lie, masturbating, or eating some forbidden baking ingredient from the cupboard.  Somehow, along the path of my life, I have managed to mostly lose this.  My sense of guilt lessens more all the time and sometimes I wonder whether I ought to try and retain some of it.

All around me people act out the very Catholic expressions of guilt and denial.  Friends constantly tell me that they have given out coffee or wheat or alcohol with pride and determination.  I don’t get it – these little joys give pleasure, they feel good, and yet some people gain even greater pleasure from just wanting them.  Think of all those “oo I shouldn’t, I’m on a diet” colleagues and friends.  For me this frequently feels like the same kind of controlling behaviour that people with disordered eating exhibit.

It’s interesting as a very recent ex-vegan to be dissing others’ denial behaviour.  Often I was seen by friends as a moral example because I had such “good self control” around food.  It wasn’t like that.  I had been vegan for so long that it was a habit, and it didn’t occur to me to eat other stuff.  I have to admit, I like being able to eat bread without checking the label for milk products and I am liking aoli; but mostly I find dairy products a bit gross tasting – too strong and rich – though I am more willing to try them now.

For me, if I want coffee, wine, or potato chips then I just eat them.  I figure there must be a good reason for my body’s cravings.  I remember one of Rudolf Steiner’s lectures where he spoke of vegetarianism as being spiritually desirable, but if the individual found it hard,  unnatural or craved meat then they were better off eating it instead of thinking about it all the time.  Steiner spoke some crazy shit but I did really relate to that.


One Response to “temptation”

  1. Sandra Says:

    Twasn’t a punishment for any of those things. Twas a punishment for getting into your sister’s things!!!!!!!!

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